Robert couldn’t name the barrier that limited his pursuit of freedom. Internal tension had accompanied him for years. He thought that a 15-year alcohol addiction was the cause of his problems. He sought therapy at the age of 47. He was resigned and tense, even though he had been fighting addiction for seven years. Despite rebuilding his spirituality and having two years of treatment in rehabilitation centers and seven years of intensive work in AA groups behind him, he was still disappointed with life. He felt unappreciated at work, complaining about being exploited by employers. After six months of working at an electronics company, he concluded that the only place he trusted was the AA community. Although he felt understood and safe there, he wondered why none of his AA colleagues managed to build a successful relationship with a woman.
After many failed relationships with women, Robert began to ask himself where he was making mistakes. He had the courage to look for answers within himself, instead of blaming others for his failures.
Robert’s marriage was not happy. Although he tried to maintain it for the sake of the children, his stay in the States helped him come to terms with his wife’s decision to divorce. He thought he would build a new, better life away from the country where he left his family. Failures took away his hope for a successful relationship. The last of his partners left, unable to bear his complaining about bad work and lack of money, spending evenings with friends, and sleeping through weekends.
Robert described women as calculating and insensitive. Over time, he admitted that he didn’t understand them. He didn’t realize that there was still a chasm between his spirituality, of which he was so proud, and his sexuality. Although he didn’t drink alcohol, he was still not a sober partner in relationships. To live life to the fullest, Robert had to confront his own “demons” and let go of what limited his capacity for love.
The ability to cultivate a relationship with a woman requires a man to find contact with the delicate part of himself. Robert experienced fascination with women many times, and although he gave his all then, each of these fascinations faded after some time.
Often, when the initial “intoxication” of a new relationship passes, a man seeks renewed fascinations in subsequent relationships. Both years of alcohol addiction and the lack of a warm, loving relationship with his father contributed to Robert not really knowing how to be a man. He sought physical intimacy with a woman to feel masculine. He couldn’t build true intimacy because he had no contact with his own masculinity.
Robert was unable to break the addictive cycle of sexual “intoxication.” He knew that he had replaced alcoholism with an addiction to women. But thanks to therapy, he discovered that seeking power and inspiration within himself is the only way to free himself from any addiction and build a deep bond with a woman, and not just with her body.
While a man strives for freedom and purpose, a woman desires love and security. If her need for love is not met, she will seek to fill the void, for example, in food, shopping, and conversation. A man seeks relief from stress in alcohol, drugs, and sex. Women choose romantic novels and TV series to vent emotional aggression. Men, in turn, release physical aggression by watching boxing matches and pornographic films.
This distances them from each other even more, creating a growing chasm in their relationships. Therapy helps break the “vicious circle” and teaches how to be with each other more deeply. Most men have a need for action, because it allows them to discover a deeper meaning in life, enjoy freedom and love, and more fully give to the world and loved ones. A woman needs to admire her man: she wants to trust his generous heart, his ability to take on challenges and make sound decisions – but he must allow her to do so.
Robert must find and free himself so that he is ready to find himself in a relationship with a woman, where intimacy serves love and mutual growth.
